MY DIARY

From: "Liao DeLong" <rayliao65@hotmail.com>
To: silence1912@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: A Note from Simon
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2003 16:40:41 +0000

Simon,
Thanks for writing with all your heart and true words.
I am not good in writing or expressing in words.
Firstly, sorry, if I have said some words that hurts you.
I am not doing a comparison between Alex and you.
Each of you have your own characters.

Alex has a stronger character and stubborn.
You have a weaker character, full of emotions and sometimes you let 
your mind controls all your feeling.
As for that night, yes, I am a little high but I do remembered what I 
said to you. 'Mistress', not fair to you and I can't manage that, parting 
myself between 2parties.Thanks for the understanding.
'Actually, I like you too.' Yes, I do like you but as mentioned it is restricted. You know Best.
I know that we can't go far or carry on like this. Truely, even if one day 
we don't have anything in bed, I will still be friend, hope you will too.
Lastly, 'french kiss', I ask you a question, 'Do you kiss any guy that 
you used to cruise?' 'When you have your fun last time, is kissing one of your game?'
To me, kissing is a very passionate love making. You kiss someone that is special to you.

I don't kiss anyone so easily. Got what I means???
Okay, hope you got all the answers...
Cheers,
Richard

From: "Simon Yeo" <silence1912@hotmail.com>
To: rayliao65@hotmail.com
Subject: A Note from Simon
Date: Thu, 10 Apr 2003 23:48:34 +0800

Richard,
This e-mail is to tell you how I feel..I hope you can give me some of your time to finish this mail.
As I can't talk to you as and when I like, or whenever I have something to 
tell you..I think e-mail is the best form of expresing myself to you..Cuz 
I understand that you can't be with me always, so I have no other choice 
but to write to you..I dun mind that you're constantly away from me cuz I 
know, i can feel it..You never forget this friend of yours..
7th April is a day I'll never ever forget.. I can't believe this day 
that has juz passed..

The thought of going to see you intensified after knowing that I can 
stay out. Life in camp is dull and seems bleak. It gets drier when I know 
I'm forbidden to go out to see you. Gradually, life in camp dimmed off..
As a spark of hope ignited my thoughts of you..I realized we haven't been 
seeing each other for abt 2 weeks and more. I can't describe how much I've 
missed you, really..So much that you're so dear to me that I can't even 
hold your image in my mind.. All I know is, I hope, the first person I'll 
get to see after booking out is you..NO ONE ELSE..
I bought 2 Apple Strudels, 2 Green Tea, 1 pac of herb Sweets and vicks, 
(Logenzes) for you, cuz I remember you're having sore throat.
I rejected receiving your call at 10:57pm because the bus ride to Tampines 
will give me away..I hope this surprise could light up your stressful day doing Audits.
Understanding how tough it can get, fearing that you might work into the 
late nite, even to morning, I bought the apple strudels for you. I dun 
want you to feel hungry, I can't bear to see you having an empty stomach to bed.
As I waited from 11:40pm to abt 1:40am. My eyes gets heavier, heart still 
filled with lots of excitement. To be honest Richard, I'm very tired but 
somehow, knowing that I can see you later, strengthen my hope and I know, its worth it..
Around 1:43am, "Alex" (tenant)came home..
You can never understand fully how I felt that nite..I was very worried, 
so much so that I'm willing to do anything to atone for my sins..Including 
leaving you..When I thought I've got you into trouble, all I care is Alex and you.

My feelings and emotions for you was put aside..I dun want a 
loving couple to go on separate ways juz because of a dirty cruiser..I 
know how cheap I am..In my eyes, filled with lots of bitterness, heart 
soaked with sorrows..Its not worth it..
As insiginificant I thought I am to you..Thinking that I'm of no 
importance, you cheered me up by saying that you'll be spending time 
with a friend that you think its worthy, you cancelled the mahjong session 
on 8th April Tue for me...I'm touched..
When a word I dun used when necessary, "Urgent" is put across to your hp, 
tried calling you with no one answering..The worries and frustration juz piled up..
I think you can still remember how solemn and serious I looked, when you 
walked towards me aft alighting from the cab. From this, its no kiddy 
stuff..I hope you can feel it, and can tell how much of concern I have for Alex. 
Though I dunno him well enough, though I was hurt very badly on our 
2nd consecutive nite together when you mentioned things like : "I enjoyed 
sex better with him" "He's DEFINITELY more mature than you, he knows what 
he's doing, he's independent, he can ctrl his stresses, better than you.." 
These words flashed through my mind, pricked my heart as I looked at you fell asleep..
I didn't realize I was crying until the pillow case and the bolster cover 
are wet..Its painful but these words are very true..I chose to hear the 
facts..The Truth hurts..Yes indeed..it hurts, not only that..it hurts me alot.. =(
Even though I might be suffering, i know everything is worth it.. 
Because you make me feel belonged. No one has ever care for me as much as you 
do..No one reads my mind as good as you when it comes to my conflicting 
emotions for you..You make me feel that I'm not alone by kissing me..When 
I'm shivering in the morning, (2nd nite) you hugged me and gave me warmth..

You told me "Actually, I like you.." "What you did makes me 
treasure you even more.." "Why did you lied to me?" "You could have 
told me that you're waiting for me to come home..I'll not spent so much 
time drinking with my colleagues.." "I'm not worthy of you..too bad, I 
have a lover if not I would want you to be mine..I can't go any further, I 
have my restrictions...so as you.." "I wouldn't go to bed to you the first 
time, (21/4/03 Fri,)if I had knownthat you have a gf.."(on the 1st 
nite 7/4/03 when we're together.)
This is something you dun say it easily unless you really feel it. At that 
moment, alot of things crossed my mind..Are you tipsy? You feel guilty and 
bad that I've waited 3 hrs for you? You're touched that I thought about 
you and bought snacks for you? That makes you say.. "YOU LIKE ME..."
At that moment, I told myself..even if I have to leave you someday, I 
think I'm contented. I've no regrets.. Because, I've heard the most precious word from you..
I know you dun want me to sink my affections for you..You'll tend to say 
somethings that's not very true from you. You hope you can protect me from 
harm and hurts but it'll only bring me pain if you're not being truthful. 
I still believe that you dun do french kiss unless...
My stand for that is the same as yours...
How you showered me that nite touches me alot..
Thanks for showing concern..

But dun worry, like what I told you..I treat Alex as my brother. I'm older 
than him for 3 wks. Even though some one mentioned that I'm not as 
capable,independent,mature than him. My performance in bed sucks..I still 
love him as my brother. (Brother in Christ) You dun have to look out of 
the window aft our act, I'm feeling guilty over Alex (1st)too, i feel bad 
that its me who tempted you on the 20 Mar first (2nd) then feeling guilty 
over Anna (3rd)..This is sad...but that's how I feel.

From the look on my face which is a direct opposition of your smiling face 
when you walked towards me at time 2:40am, you should know that I'm really genuine and I'm sincere..
I hope we can be frenz that doesn't have to do sex each time we meet up..

But to be frank, sometimes, I know I juz can't ctrl myself..
We discussed abt how far our relationship in bed could go.. You expressed 
a pessimist answer but optimistic in our "friendship" That friendship I 
would say is very special because I can try to refrain myself from going 
to bed with you, likewise you can try your best to resist the 
temptation..Sometimes if the air, space, thoughts and chemistry comes.. 
who knows what we'll be doing again... =/

But still, I hope its not that frequent because I certainly dun want to be the third party or your 
so-called "mistress" when u asked me cheekily that nite you were drunk..

I hope both of you can go together, dun worry Richard, you told me that he's 
very faithful and devoted to you..so, he will never ever leave you..
Putting aside how u made a comprison bet us sub-consciously, which evoke 
some sadness, I love him the same as my brother...Hope you dun feel jealous abt it... (hee hee)
Last but not the least..
There is nothing that you can do to stop my feelings for you. Even if you 
want to distance yourself from me.. You know that you're only bringing in 
more hurts than good to my life. I wish the flame would never be 
blown off..That no matter what, we'll still be good frenz..I know..
The only way is to let you go..
I told you before... "To love someone does not really mean that you must 
possess that someone..When you know and sees that he's happy in life, 
you know you share his happiness.."
As deep as my feelings for you, juz like how deep we looked into each 
other's eyes..I know I have strong feelings for you..
I'm happy as long as I know you're happy in life..I'm prepared to let you go..
It might sound silly.. But If I master enough courage to ask you again.. "Do you like me?"
I hope your answer would still be.. "Actually, I like you.."
Simon Yeo
11:50pm

Morning Simon,
Just took shower and Alex is studying in the living room.
What a long mail from you...
Do I like you??? A hard question to answer... I can't say No neither can I say Yes...

Well, I am someone that don't say 'likes' or 'love' easily.
I remembered the first stage when I got to know Alex, we did not go to bed 
till 1months later. And for the likings, it took me sometime to say that to 
him, and for Love, it took me almost 6months later.

Moreover, I declared my love to him only this year at Valentine's, 
where I brought him a ring.Well, we are still friends and I don't want you to distant yourself from Anna.

Just like how important Alex is to me, the same should be for you to Anna.
You have your freedom to do anything, don't stop being yourself, just 
because of me. Remembered what I told you, play safe and think twice before committing yourself.

I enjoyed your friendship but too bad I am attached. I can't go more 
further than that, coz, I know how deep is Alex love for me.
Truely, I am afraid to get closer to you, as I know, you will fall in 
love deeper with me. You are someone emotional and sentiments, thus, I 
don't to hurt your feelings.

I hope we will stll be friends. As for intimacy, we need to understand 
that as long as we do it with a open mind with no string attached.
Okay, going to end here now...
Live for Today & Look Forward for Tomorrow!!! If Tomorrow Comes!!!
Cheers,
Richard

Dear Richard,
Actually, I have lots of things to say but I'm not sure how to put it 
in words...Sigh..Alrite, I shall try..
You dun have to reply to my e-mail because I know you're bz..Even if 
you dun wanna read this mail, its fine too... REALLY..
20th Mar 03, Thurs marks an impt chapter in my life. I got to know 
you, a new friend..To me, a typical Cancerian, I always cherish friendships, 
so, knowing you bring joy to my life..
I dunno how you would react after reading this, u might distant yourself 
from me..Actually, I've thought about it, but I want to be true to you juz 
as how you are to me..I know you're genuine, that's why when I decides to 
tell you more about myself, I'm actually taking my mask down.
I dun wanna lie to you because you never once lied to me..That gave me the 
courage to tell you everything about me on the 24th Mar 03, Mon. I appreciate alot of things from you..
From the time we met on Thurs till what seems to be impossible and too 
fast..for us, we were sharing a bed together..I understand that u 
mentioned it takes two hands to clap, I took it as u merely want to 
lighten my guilt. I would rather take on everything than to make u feel sad or depressed.

To tell u the truth, I like you.. and I'm looking 
fwd to share the same bed with you again..You have what I've been looking 
for, all these years in this circle. You can choose to doubt, but I 
PROMISE (I dun usually make promises)that u makes me feel accepted and I feel 
belonged..The male-bonding I've been yearning, the care and concern from a 
companion that can understand how I feel..Its not that Anna, my gf can't, 
but she's a girl afterall, and sad to say, I'm in this circle, I've let 
her down..somehow, I felt I've hurt Alex too.. I dun wanna hurt him, more so... YOU..
But dun worry..My stand is still as firm..I dun want you to be my bf..I've 
never ever thought I could be yours because we both have restrictions and 
the furthest we can go is only physical..That's it.. I understand..But 
sometimes, I know you thought of this because you truly care for me 
and really do not wanna hurt me..Thanks for protecting me and caring for 
me.. Like what I told you when we're taking dinner..A part of me feel sad 
that I can't see you as and when I like, or even talk to you, msg you 
whenever I thought of you..Another part of me will tell me that its WRONG! 
very wrong to do this to Alex..
Even though I try to surf sgboys to try see how he looks like, I failed 
and I know its not gonna help. In the end, I think God willed everything 
and HE has a plan for each and everyone. I'm sure things that happen must 
be in accordance to HIS purpose. I accept it..Not to make things worse, I 
decided not to know how he looks like. Let nature take its course, or 
according to what HE willed..
I dun want you to get this wrong. I know you still love Alex very much, 
you still have strong feelings for him..That's why I want to protect 
him as well. Actually, I do care alot for him. I want him to be as happy 
as he can in life. At the same time, I'm willing to do anything to exchange 
your happiness. I know.. its worth it because you're worthy..
Today, 28th Mar 03, Fri, exactly one week after our intimacy. I realized 
and feel alot from the stations I attended at St Mary of the Angels. I 
dunno why, at that particular station, I thought of what you said and how 
much the both of you have, after 4 yrs together...I'm sure its more than 
weathering the storms and paving a better path.. The love which has 
cultivated and still growing, in this bond, this circle, would sure to 
bring both of you to deeper understanding and greater love for each other..
I dun wanna be the third party.. (lips pressed) I know, to you, I've never 
been one. And I dun want to be one too. I wanna thank you for showing your 
attention to me despite your hectic life and heavy workloads..

Not forgetting that you must spend time with Alex too.
That makes me more determine to see you through and I hope both of you can 
really be happy together.. Not denying that I'll feel this twinge of 
sadness, I'll juz have to resign to fate that I meet you after him..Pls 
give me some time.. I know I can do better than this. I dun wish to add 
that extra pressure on you..
Then, as the station of the cross is coming to an end.. I remember you 
told me that Alex is a Catholic too. Hmm... then, I have no reason to not 
let go because pple in our faith is loving. I trust that he can love you 
more than anyone, and that your love for him is beyond words..
I'm ready to let go (I always hope that I can get to see you at least once 
a week)...but I wish we can still be frenz... Hmm.. =(  afterall, we were, 
we are and we will be frenz...I hope we're more than juz frenz..maybe, gd 
frenz? you once said that I can't hold out for long, that I can't take it 
as times passes and alot other things seep in... But, I'm willing to try...

because I did reply your sms, when you tell me that you're attached, 
u have your restrictions.. I told you.. I DUN MIND...
I have my restrictions too, I hope I can deepen my love for Anna because 
she has really given her ALL to me..
I know, everything may sound contradicting to you, because I know you 
sense how I feel. You are truly aware of what I'm going through, the 
struggles I'm in...But I'll prove it to you..
Richard, I get to know you merely for a week. Yet, we can feel so 
much... umm Sorry... I'm not sure how u feel for me.. I can feel so much, 
that i think we have the chemistry and we can be good frenz. Its like I've 
known you for years..really, I feel that burning in me..It has gone to the 
stage that we actually spend a night together...Not afraid to be honest 
with you..I enjoyed you beside me and you're the only guy which makes me 
have strong likings for you...I really want to be truthful to you...
I dun see it as you, controlling me..I've stopped cruising, and u make me 
feel responsible for myself and mature enough to be sensible and to 
be REALISTIC in life...I can cruise around, I can do lots of nasty 
things..I know I'm a Slut ! a Bitch in your eyes.. but you're the only person 
that I slept with, and the only person I feel so much..
I dun french kiss or allow penetration..even though I dun know you well 
enough, I know I have trusted you the moment my eyes set on you in your shop.
I hope you'll regard me as who I am truly, the day I made my confessions 
and told you how I feel deep down. The last thing I would want to feel 
from you is your doubt in me. Pls forgive me for the times where I lied to 
you.. To regret is to live life anew. Hope you can give me one more chance.
Sincerely, I wanna thank you for your care to me..In times of my rising 
and falling, even though u can't be with me...I know you never wash me 
from your life diary...
Sometimes, I think to myself, what more can I ask for in life... Rite ? (lips pressed)
I should be contented that you care for me and I can feel that you realy care...
Earnestly, I really hope to know, who you regard me as ? and when you have 
your intimacy with Alex, did you ever thought of me? Do u call me 
because you feel you have to or because I msg you.. I've been wanting to ask, 
if Alex is not by your side, will you want to talk to me, even for a simple 
and short chat before you go to bed?
Last, The question I asked when we were having dinner at Redhill.
You still owe me an answer cuz you told me you need time to think..
Do You Like Me?
(Pls be honest..)
Hope you'll not distant yourself from me and take avoidance as a form of 
escape... Truly appreciate it... Thanks!
Yours Truly
Simon Yeo-19/7/1978
12:12am
29/3/03